No, no 99 Ranch Market, thank you. I’ve been on the testicle hunt for months now. I even tried to special order them from a butcher in PA, but they never got back to me after our initial conversation (big mistake farm-who-I-won’t-mention, you could have been THE spot for testicles, now I won’t even say your name). So when I saw a few packages of “LAMB BALL” just chilling in the freezer case, I could not pass up grabbing a pair.
Ready to go
As soon as I cut through the wrapping, I was struck by a strong gamy smell. Fortunately, a lot of that seemed to come from the additional blood and fluid in the package. After draining, I barely noticed any off odors from the balls I was left with.
So my first thoughts on the appearance; man do I miss my pal Devin. I never thought of Devin’s beautiful bald head as a testicle, but boy, I don’t think anyone can deny the resemblance. Love you Dev-bro, visit soon.
Discarding the membrane
Squeeze-ball method
Now a lot of you are probably familiar with rocky mountain oysters, where the testicles are battered and fried. That’s not for me, I didn’t want to hide any flavors in breading, so I went with the pan seared method.
When pan searing or grilling, you don’t have to remove the outer membrane, it’s sort of like a natural sausage casing..just a really, super snappy one. I didn’t care to deal with it and I’ve been trying to practice my knife skills, so I went ahead and removed it.
Yield
Look away fellas
Once you get rid of the membrane you’re left with something between a scallop and a sweetbread. They’re slippery and malleable, or rather – mushable – you don’t want to squeeze too hard.
For those of you wondering about nutrition values for testicles, they’re actually quite lean. I couldn’t find much for micronutrients, but what I did come across looked pretty good. A 3.5/100g serving of raw testicles is around 135kcal, 3g fat and 26g protein. Almost like the other, other, other, under white meat.
Sliced and pan fried
Delicious
The consistency again is like a mealy sweetbread, or maybe a medium firm tofu. They’re soft and cut easily. The taste – not nearly as gamy as I would have imagined, I’d say less pungent than liver even. Sure, I knew I was eating lamby nether parts, and my apartment had that unmistakable hint of variety meat, but you know what…I liked them, and I’d eat them again.
Despite my new fondness of grilled testicles, these won’t be a staple in my diet. My method is a bit labor intensive, and they’re actually a bit pricey for a variety cut. That said, I would still recommend anyone give them a try. Even if you’re not an “adventurous” eater, you might be surprised.
Grade: B-
{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }
If you’re going to review all the weird products at Ranch 99, you can probably review things for years. I’ll have to show you the thousand year eggs sometime….
Grabbed those on my first stop in actually, that post will come as well. Where can we get Balut?
Great review Dude! I wish I was lucky enough to live near a Ranch 99!
Thanks Matt! Yeah, this place has just about everything you would (or maybe wouldn’t) want
” I’ve been on the testicle hunt for months now.”
-sorry, but that’s hilarious. They do look pretty good, though. I would definitely give them a try if the situation presented itself,
You can get balut at one of the filipino markets like Seafood City. Vien Dong should also have some.
I first read “Testicle of the month club” and was like, now that is worthwhile! Those looks pretty gross, won’t lie, but I’m glad you didn’t fry them. I agree, you want to taste the balls, not the fried breading. I did the same with alligator when I was in New Orleans and got it grilled not fried.
What are your thoughts on like beef heart? Ever had it?
I’ve been grilling bison testicles for years. The flavor is amazing. Mad respect for going to lamb, my friend.
I really think of myself as someone who’s up for anything, and I’m certainly not squeamish, but I actually got a little sick to my stomach looking at these pictures. Meanwhile, the finished product looks awesome! I’m evidently one of those people who doesn’t want to know where her food comes from if it’s balls.
I never understood how people can eat the flesh of a dead carcass but not the organs. How is one more disgusting than the other? So rotten animal secretion(cheese) is perfectly fine, but pan seared testies are eww? I once again fail to understand the human race.
Sherm – Recommended, seriously.
2FJ – thanks for the heads up, Honkman. I’ll be on the lookout!
Chuck – Heart isn’t all that different from a super, super, super lean steak. They have that at the market as well.
Adam – how often do you eat them? I’m thinking I could get pig testes fresh if I talk to a few butchers around here.
Katy – hopefully these wouldn’t be another oyster like experience for you
Chef – Agreed. I don’t know, maybe we have a form of culinary aspbergers where we just don’t recognize that squeamish feeling so many others do.
Did you know they serve calf’s brain at The French Laundry?
The only comment I would give about the 99 Ranch butcher in San Diego specifically is that the quality of the meat isn’t necessarily that great. I’ve bought the meat and taken it home the same day and felt that it smelled off a bit. Some of the other asian markets in San Diego still have the exotic cuts but seem to have better butchering practices.
We did not raise you to eat things like this! Your father is a vegetarian, for god’s sake. Miss you & worrying about your diet.
Save some fun for me!
lmao @ your mum’s comment.
Yeah, Keller is the man for a reason. At a French place I used to work at we served offal, not to many people would order any of it though. I blame three things; beef liver is awful. It’s supposed to taste bad after all that filtering and I think it is most people’s first experience with offal. People are very detached to what they eat. Ask enough people what ham or bacon are(the parts preparation and even animal) and you’d be suprised how little people know. Because I’m an inquisitive ass, I like to quiz new servers at any given restaurant I have worked at on their food knowledge. I usually lead with “how do you say taco in Spanish?” and about half reply with “dunno”. Although the best answer to that ever was this one girl who thought about it for a really long time and confidently replied with “chimichanga”. Basically, people have absolutely no clue what they eat or where it comes from. Lastly, grocery stores don’t really sell offal and when the do it costs an arm and a leg. Flank steak should never be cheaper than tounge. It is in my neck of the woods. Offal is supposed to be cheap. People buy it out of necessity and finagle it into something awesome. I NEVER buy offal for myself. Chicken livers are a dollar more a lbs or more than a whole chicken where I live. I do love me some chicken livers, but I’m not rich. Our ancestors would be baffled by my last sentence.
Great post… I don’t know how anybody could get squeemish about offal…testicles, I can see the flinch factor… but it’s all good.
Balls? In my mouth? Not happening.
Just the pics alone are enough to put me over the edge…but thanks for taking one for the team.
(Or two, in this case…)
I got bull’s testicles. They’re sold by the kg and pretty easy to find here in KSA. I’m not good with knives, so I worried I’d poke them and ruin the shape if I tried skinning them. So I boiled them and then skin them. Then I fried them in a little butter with some spices. I prefer plain salt and pepper. They’re pretty tasty. Oughtta try them.
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