Peeps Pumpkins Sugar-Free

by Rodzilla on October 27, 2011 · 15 comments

With October coming to a close, I thought this would be an appropriate time to remind everyone to be safe this Halloween season.  There are a few well known dangers associated with trick-or-treating that every kid should know:

  •  Stay away from the houses known for giving “healthy” treats
  •  Decline invitations to enter unknown households
  •  Throw out any candy that appears to have been tampered with
  •  Do not approach anyone offering candy from a van

but here’s a new one, and it’s probably the most important rule for any young one to follow: If you happen to find Sugar-Free Peeps Pumpkins in your bag – avoid at all costs

They should have Mr. Yuck faces

Sure, they look innocent enough. They don’t even taste too bad. These peeps still manage a sweet sugary crust, and the sugar alcohol tinge is surprisingly mild. At first, these seem to have all the makings of a great diabetic alternative to a classic candy…until you it’s time to digest them.

I'm much too mature for potty humor, so know that I'm not shitting you when I say that these will tear your bowels apart.

Don’t let these pumpkins  fool you,  their smiles are faker than their sugar. These Peeps don’t care if you had plans outside of visiting the restroom, or if you’re wearing your favorite pair of pants. If you want to dabble with these peeps, I hope you have a high pain tolerance, a great supply of bathroom readers, and/or a colostomy bag.

Strong plastic like bond after microwaving.

Make no mistake about it kids, if someone gives you a sugar free peep they are trying to hurt you. I may keep a few for the little bastards who think I won’t recognize them on their 5th trip to my porch, or the groups of kids who are driven to different neighborhoods (that’s cheating you lazy-asses, earn your damn candy).

Grade: F
…and facing expulsion

{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Marisa

I’ll probably end up buying these/stealing these from kids’ candy bags because:
1. I love Peeps.
2. Then I don’t have to buy any laxative.
3. Instant five pound weight loss.

2 Chuck

Kind of takes the point away if there’s no sugar…
I love having peeps wars- giving each peep a toothpick and then battling them in the microwave

Here’s a fun article I found too. Pencils? Really ?

3 Rosa

I hate how the label makes it seem like you need excessive consumption of the treat to get the laxative effect. It makes you feel safe if you only ate a little bit, and then you lose half your day in the bathroom after all.

4 The Candy Fan

I’m with Rosa. I’ve seen this label on many a sugar-free product, and in this case I’d assume you’d have to down like 20 of these little guys. Who only eats one? Or three, even? Once I pop, I can’t stop. Dangerous.

5 Chefprotoss

Haha, this reminds me of the WOW doritos made with olestra. The warning on the bag seriously said “may cause anal leakage”. Being a teenage me, I took that as a challenge. Man I miss the 90′s. Not those chips though. At least they tasted good. Enjoying them a second time though was… uhhh… interesting.

6 Darlene

LOL!! Great review!

7 Lisa

WHAT! I had the sugar free versions of the peeps before. not the halloween, the yellow chicks.
I couldnt taste a difference really! They weren’t sugar sweet but they weren’t bad. I liked them hahah
of course nothing beats an original, sugary peep :)

8 Katie

Mmmm. Sugar free sugar. My favorite.

9 James

I think I’m going to miss handing out candy cause I’ll be working late this year :(

10 Britt

This is freaking hilarious. I am tempted to buy these for the teenagers who show up at my house without a proper costume. Nothing against teenagers trick-or-treating, but damn, at least make an effort… or your punishment will be marshmallow-induced bowel distress.

11 Rodzilla

Marissa – that’s ballsy. Fleet Enema’s may be more enjoyable.

Rosa and CF – Exactly. I’m guessing that’s the reason we’re not seeing these in larger packages. A 4th peep would probably ruin a GI tract.

Chef – I dabbled with lay’s light a few times. Olestra was also suspected of leaking the body of beneficial nutrients..but it was the other leaking I was more concerned with.

Darlene – thanks :D

James – Children in San Diego don’t deserve candy anyway. They’re already spoiled.

Britt – I’ve got plenty against teenagers trick or treating. Definitely save a few of these gut bombs for those asses, and don’t forget to reach into their bags and help yourself to some candy.

12 JJG

Good review, Rodzilla. Keep in mind that there are asshats like me who enjoy a good gutburst now and then.

13 Lot-O-Choc

Haha theyre cute and im sure the dentist would approve of them this Halloween..not sure whether kids will love them all that much though!

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